Is he dancing up a storm in the closet before he comes out and goes after your children? What’s he doing in the closet anyway? What would you say about someone who was chillin in the closet gettin his dance on? Is the idea of a gay, dancing monster less scary, or more scary?

Does he sashay out of the closet at night when the lights are out in leather assless chaps and a belly shirt and go, “HEYYYYY!? Guess who’s here to eat you!”

Fuck, I think I just scared myself a little . . . I’m off to buy a night light!

Animals with deadly weapons such as lions, tigers and bears – oh my! – have very boring fights. An altercation between any of these animals tends to be nothing more than a staring match with some roaring and perhaps shoving thrown in. This is not unlike when a douche from New jersey and a tool from Long Island meet in a club, lots of posturing and trying to look tough, but no actual bloodshed.

On the other hand, animals who are not as well armed such as giraffes, zebras, and other less patterned herbivores kick the ever loving snot out of each other.

Food for thought.

Discuss.

At first I thought it might be something to do with our legal system, tribulations rarely seem to be found without trials, but I passed by a law library one time and I never saw anything about tribulations from my vantage point from across the street. Since for the purposes of this website, that qualifies as extensive research, I pondered what to do next.

While watching tv the other day, I saw an episode of Star Trek called the Trouble with Tribbles. Tribble sounds sufficiently like tribulation for me to conclude that perhaps there is a relationship between the two. Can it be that tribbles cause tribulations? I certainly hope it’s not the other way around. Looking at this picture, I’d hate to go through some tribulations only to have to endure pooping out loads of little fuzzy things afterwards.Besides isn’t that what gerbils are for?

Anyway after being denied twice, I decided to do some actual research. All you devout Christians out there will probably hit me with a big DUH at this point, but I was truely surprised by what I found.  Here is an account of the anticipated events of The Great Tribulation, which by the way will last 7 years.

First 3 1/2 Years:

• 1. The Rapture takes place. (but note that virtually no one interpreted the book of Revelation to suggest a ‘pre-Tribulation Rapture’ until the 19th century, see Rapture for details on the history of this doctrine)

• 2. The Rise of Antichrist and the False Prophet.

• 3. The Third Temple is rebuilt in Jerusalem.

• 4. The Rise of Babylon.

• 5. The Rise of the false one-world religion.

• 6. The appearance of the and the rise of the 144,000 Jewish evangelists.

• 7. The Seven Seal Judgments.

• 8. The Seven Trumpet Judgments.

Midpoint:

• 9. Death and Resurrection of the Two Witnesses.

• 10. Destruction of the One World Church.

• 11. The death and resurrection of Antichrist.

• 12. Antichrist defiles the temple and proclaims himself God.

• 13. The Mark of the Beast begins.

• 14. The Jewish Remnant flees to the desert.

Second 3 1/2 Years:

• 15. 7 Bowl Judgments

• 16. Martyrdom of Jews and Believers

• 17. Babylon is destroyed

• 18. Antichrist summons the world’s armies to Armageddon

• 19. Battle of Armageddon

• 21. Return of Jesus Christ in Glory

• 22. Antichrist and the False Prophet are thrown into the Lake of Fire

• 23. Satan is bound for 1,000 years

• 24. Resurrection of Tribulation martyrs

End of the 7-year Tribulation.

• 25. Christ establishes His 1,000 kingdom.

• 26. Satan is released after 1,000 years.

• 27. Final Battle.

• 28. Satan, Death, and Hell are cast into the Lake of Fire.

• 29. Great White Throne Judgment (Final Judgment).

• 30. New heaven and earth. Eternity begins.

So when people go on about their trials and tribulations, you might want to tell them to stop being so damn dramatic!

Discuss.

It’s a sad state of affairs when I am forced to set aside my general moronic ravings and be the voice of reason, but there are times that call for nothing less but the most extraordinary of efforts. The purpose of this post is to set the record straight about the behavior of pedophiles, and why it’s impossible Michael jackson could have committed any of the acts for which he was accused.

Here is a quote from healthline.com

The prognosis of successfully ending pedophilic habits among persons who practice pedophilia is not favorable. Pedophiles have a high rate of recidivism; that is, they tend to repeat their acts often over time.

The main method for preventing pedophilia is avoiding situations that may promote pedophilic acts. Children should never be allowed to in one-on-one situations with any adult other than their parents or trustworthy family members. Having another youth or adult as an observer provides some security for all concerned. Conferences and other activities can be conducted so as to provide privacy while still within sight of others.

Michael Jackson had been around hundreds of children without supervision over the course of the 10 years in between the first and second trial. During the course of the second trial the prosecution sought out the children that had been in Michael’s company to try to find some corroborating evidence to back up the story, and they were not able to produce a single verifiable witness.

Think about that.

Child molestation is a sickness, a molester simple can’t help themselves when they are around children and Michael was around children ALL the time. If he was actually a molester, the kids would have been coming out of the woodwork, and there would be no doubt of his guilt.

Was it weird that he hung out with kids all the time? Well yes and no. No one can really understand either the childhood he endured, and his level of fame. I can’t think of anyone in my lifetime who was more famous than Michael Jackson, and I’m sure most of the adults around him were either on his payroll, or were such huge fans that they elevated him to the level of icon and didn’t see him as a human being. From there it’s a pretty simple logical leap to understand why he might prefer to spend his time with children. I know there are things from my childhood I am still chasing today, this poor man was chasing an ENTIRE CHILDHOOD, and hanging out with the only people who didn’t have some angle, or something they wanted to take from him.

No that role fell to their unscrupulous parents. The greedy bastards who saw an opportunity for a money grab and went for it despite the damage they must have known it would cause to this gentle soul. It was those 2 trials that created his drug problem, and caused him to be less prolific. They shattered his mental and physical health, and in the end took him away from us not only too early, but also with less art than we might have otherwise been privelidged to receive.

Some things are too beautiful to exist in this world, we have not reached a point in our collective development where a soul this gentle and loving can exist without being misunderstood and torn down. This is certainly not the first time this has occurred, but for me, it’s one of the saddest, and one fo the greatest losses. I can only hope that a lesson is learned here, and the vile masses who take pleasure from seeing a great person in pain and cast down from greatness for no other reason than their own insecurities can once and for all be silenced in the same way no terrorist will ever be able again to hijack a plane with a knife.

Michael Jackson -  we will never forget.

The Center for Disease Control is warning all people that a new virulent disease is on the rampage. They are saying it’s virtually impossible for doctors to detect and has no known symptoms, but is highly contagious.

So be careful.

Gay people take things from us, and they don’t give them back. I don’t begrudge them this habit, lord knows they have a hard enough time as it is, but my function here is to observe, and this is one of many observations that any given person could have either figured out on their own, or probably never cared to know about in the first place.

This weekend was gay pride weekend in NYC, and as the years pass, the degree to which the city is overtaken by all things gay has been increasing sharply. This is a good thing, the more any group of people can feel comfortable expressing themselves the better, Nazis and terrorists not withstanding. however it also serves as a reminder the things gay culture have taken for their own, and taken permanently. These things that were once fair game for anyone to use as they pleased are now clear symbols of one’s gayhood. Topping the list is the symbol that was clearly visible all weekend adorning the many restaurants and bars that participated in the festivities.

The rainbow.
What was once something hippies put on their hippie vans and little girls put on their trapper keepers is now something that is firmly a symbol for gay pride. Treasure seekers be aware that today’s leprechaun although immaculately dressed and styled, will be more apt to bestow a golden shower, than a pot o gold, and will have a treasure trail you may not want to follow to the end of the path.

The word fabulous.
This word too is now completely gone. I have thus far only seen men and women over the age of 65 use it successfully, and only those who are very educated and speak with a certain old school style are able to pull it off without looking inadvertently gay.

The finger snap.
Here’s another thing that is now fully relegated to the female and homosexual. I guess since straight women can get away with this one it isn’t technically gay, but the theory holds true to a certain point: snapping your fingers to add emphasis to anything your saying emphasizes your affinity for penis.

I’m going to end this here, partially because even I find this tack somewhat offensive, and partly because I’m lazy and if I end this here I get to stop writing. Also I didn’t mean to suggest all gay people are into golden showers, in actuality, it can’t be more than 70, 75%.

What do you call a Puerto Rican who’s lost in the ocean and is eventually recovered, entirely logged with salt?

A spickle.

Given the fact that the human body is covered by about 20 square feet of skin, and the scrotal sack is about a 6 inch square, there is a 1.73% chance that any given itch on your body will be on a man’s balls. If you take into account the conditions under which the testicles are expected to live, you can effectively double that figure. So with a 3.46 % chance of any itch occurring on the balls, that basically means that just over 3 out of 100 itches on any man’s body are testicular, so why is this a problem for some people?

Dropping some knowledge from How Stuff Works:

Itching, also known as pruritus, starts with some kind of external stimuli, including bugs, dust, clothing fibers and hair. Like tickling, itching is a built-in defense mechanism that alerts your body to the potential of being harmed. In this case, it might be the potential of being bit by a bug.

When the stimuli lands on your skin, it may not bother you at first, but soon it will begin to rub back and forth across your skin. Once the hair or dust scratches your skin’s surface layer, receptors in the dermis of the skin will become irritated. In a split second, these receptors send a signal through fibers in the skin to your spinal cord and then up to the cerebral cortex in your brain.

Why is it ok for women to breastfeed in public but it inappropriate for a man to scratch? And speaking of breasts how is it that women avoid scratching their breasts all the time? A bra has to be more itch inducing than a man’s underwear, even if he’s wearing tighty whiteys, but I never see women indulging in a nice, nipple hardening titty scratch. Do a woman’s breast itches get arrested in her nervous system and go to some unknown place like her farts? If we’re all human and have the same systems why are men known for scratching and farting, and women not? Do women relieve these impulses by complaining about unrelated things? If a woman is yelling at her husband for taking the wrong turn on the way to the airport, does that make her tittys stop itching? Is the reason women go to the bathroom together is so they can scratch each others backs where the bra is irritating them?

I think as men we may never know the answers to these questions, so we will have to deal with women’s disapproving looks when we go for the itchy teabag until some genius invents auto scratching underwear.

FIOS is awesome by the way.