What do you get if you cut off 2 of an octopus’s tentacles?

A sexapus.

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A Cliff Claven-ism (R rated)

It’s a little known fact that the term “whore” is derived from, ah, their relative working orientation. You see, “whore,” is in fact short for the “hor” in horizontal, it was only the colloquistic anachronisms of the time that impelled people to add the superfluous “w” and “e” to either end of the expression to prevent it from either being a 3 or a the, ah, dreaded 4 letter word.

Discuss, kimosabes.

Happiness is having a toilet that never says “I’m sorry.”


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Beware of filth

As a general rule we have become cleaner as a people. I wonder if anyone has graphed the curve of general cleanliness going back to the days where we lived outside and bathing basically didn’t happen, through when we slept on a bed of hay often with little critters feeding on us at night and we pooed in a bucket in the corner of the room, through the modern day where we have dry cleaning, little robots that clean our floors and antibacterial soap and Purell everywhere. Maybe I should check with that Dyson vacuum guy, I love that guy. I also think things should just work properly, Dyson guy. The thing is, even though we have now all these products to scrub ourselves and everything around us, there are many items that fall through the cracks, and we barely give them any thought. There are just some things people don’t wash very frequently or even at all, for example when was the last time you washed the gloves that keep your hands warm in the winter? People have gloves for years and never wash them one time despite all the things they touch while wearing them and all the things they touch without washing their hands before putting them on. There is plenty of data about bowling balls housing bacteria, but your gloves have everything you’ve touched both on the inside and outside, and by extension everything hundreds of other people, animals, and the germ factories we call children have touched as well. Come to think of it when is the last time you washed that big winter coat, or any jacket you wear from season to season that hasn’t gotten stained or something spilled on it? Could it be that the whole idea of people catching colds from the weather is a fallacy and they’re just getting sick from the filthy clothing they’re putting on to ward off the elements? What about other things people use day in and day out? How recently do people sanitize their keyboard or mouse, or glasses, or remotes and game controllers, or canes, crutches, wheelchairs, telephones, or any other devices that get used daily or several times a week? Personally I’m not overly worried about that kind of stuff, I think my immune system needs practice from time to time, but I do periodically clean my stuff, and I make sure to wash my hands after touching anything of anybody else’s that falls into the heavy use/doesn’t need to get cleaned category.

And cell phones… holy shit cell phones!

Superstition is going to come back with a vengeance

Superstitious cats

Everything comes from somewhere. All science has been proven incorrect, or incomplete over the course of time, but the basic truths people have understood or believed in have persevered throughout the ages. Whether it be in the form of religion, superstition, cultural convention, or passed down from generation to generation in the form of stories and rituals, there is an internal wisdom that has been found, lost, and I suspect will be found again as the digital mind catches up with our analog hearts.

Odd, apparently nonsensical things, like reading tea leaves spinning in a cup of water, or throwing bones or sticks in the air and divining some meaning from how they fall can tell us more than we might suspect. The actual actions themselves are less important than the mind and soul that is focusing on them. Elements of randomness cast from us with certain strong held intentions will tend to be influenced by those intentions, and, if the practitioner can get out of their own way, can provide insight into otherwise intractable problems or questions.

Thousands of years before germ theory, people knew from experience that sticking a finger up their own ass then sticking it in their neighbor’s eye would give them a red, itchy eye. Who’s to say we don’t find a concrete description for why certain things have been classified as bad luck, or a bad omen? We now understand that the hard and fast physical world that governs the majority of our actions is itself governed by a subatomic world that follows a very different set of rules, most of which are not completely (or at all) understood by us at this point in time. What we do know is these subatomic particles can be influenced by energies from various and unlikely sources, one of those being our observation, and own minds and bodies.

Is it possible for an item or place to be “cursed” by repeated violent or painful actions or intentions? Is it possible for a place to be “blessed” by love and healing energies? People throughout history sure seem to think so, and it’s been proven time and again that over a long enough period of time basic wisdom and understanding holds truer than the next new science fad. So don’t be surprised if we start seeing mathematic equations for all the stuff your grandmother used to bug you about.

Organized religion is still crap though, except for all the stuff that isn’t.

Ask your doctor if your heart is healthy enough for sex.

I just saw that on a viagra commercial while watching the Yankee game. Yes, this is the world we live in.

Call me old fashioned, but I’d rather die during sex than ask my doctor that question, even if it did result in an uncomfortable but secretly pleasurable prostate exam – who’s with me?!

I’ve never killed a chicken

But how many of them have died in the name of my dinner?

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Never make decisions when you’re emotional

Suicide is never as good of an idea as it seems the next day. This also applies to peeing on stuff.

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I never knew how much fun it was to be a hater

I’m not generally a person who gets off on someone else’s failure, I like to see people succeed, and in sports, I prefer for the battle to be hard fought, for everyone to leave everything on the floor, and the eventual winner win because of perseverance and heart. I usually have a lot of respect for both the losing and winning teams for making it to the highest stage and giving it their all to be the champion in front of millions of fans in one of the highest pressure situations that a human being can find themselves.

Sometimes however, a public figure conducts themselves in such a way that we have almost no choice but to root for them to fail. Most often this phenomenon presents itself with some off the court drama, someone cheated on their wife, got caught drunk driving or with drugs, or accidentally shot themselves in the ass. I have never before seen one man systematically try to convince America that he is a class A fucktard within the context of his own sport.

LeBron James began this whole thing by ripping out Cleveland’s fans hearts on national television, and not even letting his team know what was going on so they could plan some moves for when he was gone. Just a totally selfish, shitty move. Then the heat basically hold a championship party before the season starts to celebrate the “Big 3″ they have put together, and spend the regular season whining about losses, gloating about minor victories, and wondering why people don’t seem to like them.

This level of unabashed hubris demands punishment of biblical levels, and the fact that they lost the 2011 NBA finals on their own court almost makes me feel better about George Bush winning in 2000. Perhaps you can buy/steal the American presidency, but you can’t buy/steal the NBA trophy, and if you act like a bunch of spoiled twat monkeys, this is the kind of stuff the press will say about you:

I have very few rules in life, but this is one of them: Any time a team chokes away the NBA Finals 11 months after throwing a “Welcome Party” for itself, and it happens on the same night that Matt Stone and Trey Parker win 35 Tony Awards, I have to wake up at 5 a.m. the next morning and write a retro diary to figure out what in God’s name happened.

-Bill Simmons

Then James has this to say to all us NBA fans:

“All the people that were rooting me on to fail, at the end of the day they have to wake up tomorrow and have the same life they had before,” James said. “They have the same personal problems they had to today. I’m going to continue to live the way I want to live and continue to do the things that I want with me and my family and be happy with that.”

And another writer’s response:

…there’s nothing wrong with rooting for LeBron James to fail. It says nothing bad about you as a person to wish ill upon someone who is monstrously talented yet at the same time is also a world-class dipshit. LeBron James has never been arrested or caught with naughty drugs or done anything explicitly “immoral,” I suppose. But that doesn’t matter, because he’s still a piece of shit anyway.

There’s no such thing as going overboard when it comes to enjoying LeBron’s failure. Now, if he were the kind of person to sit at the podium after losing a game and say, “I really thought we were the better team, but we lost and we’re gonna have to go back and work on it until we get it right, and I wish I hadn’t been such a dipshit before,” all that fun would instantly go away, because LeBron would be behaving like a normal human being. It’s not fun to keep poking fun at someone once they learn to take the heat. But LeBron possesses a certain social retardation that forbids him from coming to such obvious conclusions about himself.

-Drew Magary

So I’m going to enjoy the idea that there are consequences for being an arrogant douchebag, and every team that LeBron strung along during the 2010 free agency nonsense can all be happy they didn’t waste money on a guy who has never won anything yet still calls himself King.

[update] LeBron discusses his future plans after the loss to Dallas.

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Everything is stupid in retrospect

Looking back on a person’s decisions, life choices, romantic partners, etc. often leads to the conclusion most of the things we do are pretty stupid and short sighted. The only infallible exception to this rule applies to whatever we’re currently doing in the moment. We have loads of reasons and justifications as to why we did that thing at work, why we cursed out this person in that situation, or why we took home that other person from the bar, and the totally justified stop at the petting zoo on the way, it was the absinthe right?

Of course eventually life’s current events slide to the past and join the barrage of stupidity that came before, and if you’re very unlucky, it ends up on the internet.

So if most people will agree that they have been prone to dumb or silly choices in the past, why do they seem so confident in their current actions? I’d like to start a new support group called DAA, Dumb Asses Anonymous. Here is a video of the Man I’d like to anoint Patron Saint of DAA.

In the immortal words of St. Moe, “Why I oughta…”

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