What is an asshole?

With the understanding that on this site this can be seen as a loaded question, I want to reassure both my readers that my meaning here is not at all figurative or or insinuative, but rather quite literal.

Is an asshole an actual physical thing, or the space occurring in the context of a particular location? Can an asshole be captured and displayed out of context or is it irrevocably bound to the modality in which it takes place? Is it like a tidal wave? It can be seen as a whole (heh) but to try to capture it in a bucket and show someone elsewhere and it would be received as a meaningless bucket of water.

Getting down to brass tacks, is an asshole a ring of skin and muscle, or simply the space inside of that ring? If it’s just the ring itself that could be hypothetically be removed and displayed in a museum as a piece of modern art, be used as a drinking straw as a tactic to get suspected terrorists to reveal their secrets, or be used to hold a roll of quarters when you run out of those paper thingies from the bank.

However if it’s just the space inside the ring it becomes a different thing altogether, in fact it’s not even a thing at all. It’s an idea. An intangible that only takes place in exactly the correct circumstances even if those circumstances are not particularly rare, valuable or pleasant. It is a delicate thing, one that can disappear in a puff of, well let’s not go there.

Do you have it clear in your head what you mean when you call someone an asshole, or suggest they suffer from assaholism? If you don’t then have a care, you may be talking out of your ass whilst talking about ass, and I for one simply won’t stand for that.

There’s no such thing as instant testicles.


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Heated debate on toilet paper orientation

There is an article on Wikipedia detailing the ongoing and often acrimonious debate about how a person chooses to install a new roll of toilet paper.

There are two choices of toilet paper orientation when using a toilet roll holder with a horizontal axle parallel to the wall: the toilet paper may hang over or under the roll. The choice is largely a matter of personal preference, dictated by habit. In surveys of American consumers and of bath and kitchen specialists, 60–70% of respondents prefer over.

Despite being a trivial topic, people often hold strong opinions on the matter. Advice columnist Ann Landers said that the subject was the most controversial issue in her column’s history. Defenders of either position cite advantages ranging from aesthetics, hospitality, and cleanliness; to paper conservation and the ease of detaching individual squares. Celebrities and experts are found on both sides. The reasons behind each person’s choice have been analysed by several studies with theories ranging from age, gender, socioeconomic status to political philosophy. It has also been suggested that preference for “under” may correlate with ownership of a recreational vehicle or a cat.

Here’s the whole article for those who are interested:


As always Requiem of Randomness is happy to provide important public service announcements.

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You can use a napkin as a plate, but you can’t use a plate as a napkin.


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Two women get caught using their body fat to shoplift

Before seeing this video, if you would have asked me if fat people or skinny people made better thieves, I would have surely said skinny. Given that these 2 got caught that might still be true, but you have to be impressed by their ingenuity. It’s not many women that can hide a pair of boots in their breast and belly fat. Watch the cop try to keep a straight face as he describes the crime.


Thanks to L0rdarkness for the tip!

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L0rdarkness’s corner

Requiem of Randomness has received its first post from a guest author. I can’t say the subject matter is surprising, but this did come up in conversation from a series of totally random events. I guess that’s 2 ways it fits . . .

So I am inventing a device that helps avoid people calling you while
you’re taking a shit. It attaches to your toilet seat and whenever you
sit down it will notify everyone on your social networks that you’re on
the can. With the upgraded model you can even send text messages to
everyone in your phone book about when you get on and again when you’re
done doing your business. The device will need to know if it is you and
not someone else on the can (say the plumber taking a break between
unclogging your kitchen sink for whatever reason that was clogged), so
the device will have a needle that will poke your ass when you sit and
check your DNA.

Down the road I plan to add a portable version for the office so you can
notify any co-workers on the company intranet.

Do we have a winner here? Can you see this on the home shopping network?

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Tongue play

There is an inequity with regards to what is socially acceptable in terms of how we relate to where, when and by whom tongues touch our bodies. We tend to have no problem if any random animal (though we usually prefer cats and dogs) licks us on our hand or other ares of exposed skin as long as that body part is one an individual would typically brandish in public, and it’s not the mouth.

On the other hand, we find it odd for people to lick us on the hands or other random body parts but putting your tongue in a person’s mouth is completely normal, some people being more discriminate than others. Yet the idea of sticking your tongue in an animal’s mouth is completely not socially acceptable even though it’s pretty common knowledge that animal’s mouths are cleaner than ours.

I don’t have a proper ending for this post, so I’ll just leave this video as a warning to the inebriated:

If you put cough drops up your ass, does that make you fart less?


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There are 3 kinds of people in the world

  1. People who are born with the instinctive knowledge not to pee into the wind.
  2. People who might have peed into the wind, but were advised against it and listened to that advice.
  3. And people with pee on them.
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People who stand around while you go shopping.

When I walk into many stores these days there’s someone at the door that says hi to me. After getting over that intrusion, I sometimes actually make a purchase. On those occasions, as I make my way to the exit, there’s often a man or woman in a blazer who blocks my path with a . . . pen. These agents of security will mercilessly scribble a circle on my receipt after not checking the contents of my bag. there’s often a line to leave the store because of these people. Are you shitting me? After I wait in line to talk to a sales rep who doesn’t know anything about what he’s selling, wait in line to pay, I have to wait in line to leave the store? What the hell is going on???

Is the unemployment situation in this country so bad that we pay people to stand around in stores and not do anything? I don’t want a random stranger saying hi to me in a store anymore than I want that in the street, or during a boating accident.

And seriously, where did u fuck up in life if you’re the pen guy at the exit of Home Depot? What do you tell people you do for a living? What’s that job interview like?

“Did you complete the second grade?”

“Uh, yes sir.”

“So you can draw a circle then?”

“Um, sure?”

“You’re hired!”

Well done.

Filed under [ rants ] 3 Comments

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