Boy is my ass sore.

Everywhere I go someone wants to fuck me, and I’m tired of it. I live in NYC, and you can’t go anywhere in this city anymore without being ripped off. The weather is getting better, and I might want to stop at an outdoor cafe and have a glass of wine, but oh look, it’s fucking 9 dollars! What’s that? I know that brand, I bought a bottle of it last week for 7 dollars. Now I have to tip the uptight, disinterested bitch who brought me the glass of wine like I owe her a favor while she tries to shuffle me out so she can not earn her next tip from the suckers who will sit down and feel too guilty to not give her 16%. So me and a friend have 2 glasses each, and the total is 45 dollars. We didn’t even get any fucking food! Had we ordered an appetizer or 2 the cost would swell towards 70.

Seriously? I have to pay you 70 gosh darn dollars for a couple glasses of cheap wine and some fried cheese and mini burgers? I’m not talking about a Zagat rated restaurant here, just some random cafe where the food is mediocre, the drinks are typical and the abuse is free of charge.

This is not a phenomenon restricted to the NYC dining experience. It seems like everywhere you go there’s a company expecting us to pay out the ass for crappy products and no service. I go see a knicks game (which at this point is the ultimate crappy product) and a pretzel and beer will run me $15, throw in a hot dog and another beer and we’re up to $30. I paid $74 for the ticket already, do they really have to fuck me this hard on top of that?

Time warner is now adding internet usage quotas, charging customers a dollar per gigabyte if they go over their quota. I swear my utility companies are just making shit up now, last summer they raised the cost of electricity “in response to demand.” What on earth does that mean? “We urge you to lower your rate of consumption, and while you’re sweating your balls off in thie 95 degree heat, here’s a giant, throbbing bill so you can’t afford to go out and spend 9 dollars on a shitty glass of wine, or 7 dollars on a Corona. Soon I might be reduced to standing around in supermarkets pretending to shop for frozen peas to keep cool in the summer, while hitting on housewives so they’ll buy me a snickers bar for $1.29.

Oh, by the way, If you’re noticing the first 2 major posts on this both have ass in them as a major theme, well you’d better just get used to that.

Discuss.

Everyone poos, but not everyone has a nice, round one.

The ass is a pretty unique, amazing thing, and this is underscored by the fact that not all animals are not lucky enough to have one. People have asses, baboons might have one of  the most obvious asses on the planet, but a dog, for example does not. The vast majority of 4 legged animals have sort of a hind quarter, if you’re petting a dog or cat your hand will go from their back to their tail, but there really is no transition zone from their back to their hind legs, no tushy to speak of.

This is sometimes a problem for me because the ass functions as a nice buffer, a mass of protective tissue separating the asshole from the rest of the world. There have been times when I have been petting one of my cats and they change position and I accidentally poke into something that has entirely the wrong texture. It is infrequent enough that I still have to mentally pause to figure out what happened, but the reflexive system that keeps me safe, the same one that would draw my hand out of an open flame leaps into action and draws my hand back with extreme alacrity saving me extended inappropriate asshole touching time. In these cases I take a deep breath to steady myself, and always feel the need to check in with the cat to make sure no offense was taken and everything is still cool between us. Fortunately for our relationship, they have thus far remained unfazed.

This 4 legged rule tends to fall apart when you get into larger creatures such as horses and elephants, and it makes me wonder whether there’s a correlation between having an ass and the ability to lick your own asshole. If you stop and think about it, most of the animals who have asses cannot actually perform auto-anilingus ( I know there are some contortionists who can do it, but I doubt they have a badonkadonk, and shame on them for licking their own butts anyway), suggesting some form of convergant evolution might be at work.

It’s definitely something to think about, and also a good way to start off a whole new website, I think.