New Year’s Resolution: Hire someone to pee for me.

The amount of maintenance required to keep this machine we call the body running is unbelievable. If someone were creating a product today with those kind of maintenance requirements it would be laughed out of the boardroom . . . are things still designed in boardrooms?

Anyfuckingway, even if you go with basic function, just keeping the machine running, no frills, no optimization, and you’re still talking about an ass bogglingly large amount of time. The amount of sleep we require alone is obscene, and dispenses with a third of our day in one stroke. Meeting our financial needs in this crazy world we’ve created for ourselves dispenses with another third. If you include the average commute, you have to add at least another hour to the mix, so now we have 7 hours left.

Now we get to the nitty gritty, and here’s where it gets ugly, and gritty. Let’s start with food. Given an average of three meals a day plus snacks, we probably spend about an hour a day eating and at least another 30 minutes procuring/preparing food. Another hour gets wasted eliminating said food and drink. Clearly these are conservative estimates, especially if you like to cook or spend extended time on your personal throne.

It is, of course impossible to embark on all this eating and pooping without soiling yourself, and your environment. You are then taxed to clean both your body and your domicile. If you add general grooming, cleaning, laundry, toothcare, doing the dishes, etc., well we’ve just lost another hour.

We have just wasted 20.5 hours on basic mandatory functions to keep this wonderful, beautiful machine we call the body up and running smoothly. Oh wait did you want it beautiful? Well then you’d better spend at least 30 minutes a day exercising. With the 3 hours left at your disposal (assuming you don’t have a longer commute, get stuck working overtime, or have irritable bowel syndrome) you can spend that time in doctor’s offices, at the DMV or post office, visiting relatives going to the vet or otherwise taking care of any putative pets, learning new stuff for work, posting on facebook, and even having sex if you have the time and opportunity.

And God help you if you have children . . .

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2 Comments on “New Year’s Resolution: Hire someone to pee for me.”

  • philostophalies
    7 January, 2010,

    We must look at the bigger picture. As a doc myself i say we must explore the use first the possibility of recycling our pee before hiring others.
    My point is this clinically speaking of course , while the rest of the tree hugging liberal world wants you to go GREEN, i say go YELLOW.
    lets just drink back our own pee. its already been clinically proven that there are no harmful side effects. In fact its rather good for you and yummy, o so i hear. And that myth that you’ll turn yellow like homer Simpson, well that’s out right dumb.

  • idchafee
    7 January, 2010,

    I’m sure that with enough cash, someone would be happy to at least hold it for you while you pee, leaving your hands free to do other stuff

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