The Assess-O-Tron, the future of the happy relationship.

I’ve invented a new product. It’s main purpose is to keep people in love and expressive in their relationship through cutting edge social interactive technology. Here’s how the device works:

You carry theĀ  “Assess-O-Tron” which is a small ipod like device, somewhere on your person. When you first receive this device you will be asked to do the assessment. It is vitally important that you are as honest as possible, because the nature of your answers will directly tie into the rewards you will receive, and even protect you from some of its dangers. You will be asked basic questions, such as “Are you single,” ‘Where do you work?, What do you like the most? What are your dislikes,” etc. These questions will get very specific and delve into some multiple choice answers some people might find to be bizarre or invasive, but the more honest you are, the better the device can work for you.

An example of the device in action is as follows. There is a couple in a happy relationship named Jim and Melissa, who live together. The couple in question are both using the device and it is perfectly calibrated to their likes and dislikes. At this moment, Jim has been particularly attentive to Melissa lately and she is quite pleased with him. Their Assess-O-Trons are synced, and if this keeps up, Jim will soon be eligible for a level 3 reward. Right now on Jim’s list of level 3 options are: Sex all day followed by pizza, followed by more sex, then a movie in bed, then finishing the cold pizza. Additional options are having Melissa cook him his favorite dinner in the world, while wearing a saran wrap mini skirt, or a new big screen tv.

He arrived at level 3 by bypassing some of his level 2 options which included going out for a night with the guys, or taking Melissa to a ball game. If he bypasses his level 3 options he can shoot for the level 4 reward of oral sex while he’s playing video games, or perhaps even the level 5 reward of bringing Melissa’s naughty friend Shelly over for a weekend of debauchery.

It is very tricky to get to any level above 3 since to do so you have to continue generous and loving behavior in the exact manner that resonates with your partner. When she feels the joy of the garbage being taken out without having to be asked, a foot massage late at night, or getting her flowers for no reason at all, that joy will be communicated to your device as it registers on her device, and increases your rating slightly. However when you do things that are mean or selfish, your rating will decrease. This can be somewhat mitigated by a sincere, heartfelt apology, but the rule stands true, it is difficult to get a very high rating. For this reason the rewards escalate as the levels progress. While it is possible to get a level 1 reward every week with enough attention, getting up to level 3 usually takes at least a month. Level 4 would take about 3 months and level 5, might happen twice a year if someone was very dedicated. Results will vary as some people will either be particularly good at reading their partner’s needs, and abysmally poor.

Once a reward is indicated it needs to be delivered as soon as possible and with as much enthusiasm as possible. Lack of enthusiasm will result in the unenthusiastic person losing status in their own device, thus postponing their own rewards. Men should be wary of women who allow their meters to go over the level 5 setting, as marriage is an option on level 7. Remember to offer to go to those level 3 baby showers, and level 2 all day shopping trips, fellas!

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