Would you like some Jew in your poo?

Discuss.

Think about it, here’s are a couple of examples.

Oh monkey monkey
I shouldn’t have let you go
And now you’re out of sight, yeah
Show me, how you want it to be
Tell me monkey
‘Cause I need to know now what we’ve got
My loneliness is killing me
I must confess, I still believe
When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Give me a sign
Hit me monkey one more time

_________________________________
There’s a reason why
you can look up every night
and every star in heaven’s in it’s place
There’s a reason why
the full moon pulls the tide
and the waves roll into a shore that always waits
And just like them
monkey you belong
monkey you belong
Nothin’s ever been so meant to be
or ever felt so right to me
Every single part of me believes
monkey you belong
oh monkey you belong
There really is no mystery
i think anyone can see
That monkey you belong
with me

If you were to take a cross section of all the strictly devout religious people in the world, a certain percentage would know some amount of their own scripture with a less than 100% degree accuracy, a smaller percentage would not know very much at all, and what they did know would be wildly inaccurate, and a much smaller percentage would know all their scriptures and doctrines to a very high, but still imperfect level. The thing all of these people would have in common is that they hold the beliefs they possess to be true, and many hold them to be the ULTIMATE truth. The fact that they have an incomplete or perhaps even inaccurate picture doesn’t matter, their faith is strong.

There is a similarity here with regard to how all people interact with the world in general. We have a certain amount of general knowledge, and from this we carve out a slice of what we call reality. This reality is not couched in hard fact so much as what we think is true given the information we have at any particular moment, or what sounds good to us at the time. In fact our attachment to our own personal versions of reality is so strong that even when we encounter information that is blatantly contrary to something we believe, many of us will still hold onto those outdated beliefs rather than facing the idea of changing our world view.

If history has proven anything, it’s that the knowledge held by any era is either flawed, incomplete, or entirely inaccurate. Of course due to the egotistic nature of human beings, we’ve always assumed that we were at some pinnacle of knowledge and that most of the major discoveries to be made were behind us. The fact of the matter is that we have barely scratched the surface in terms of unlocking the mystery of this world and the universe as a whole. The wise person will keep their beliefs fluid and not get too attached to any particular world view. The alternative is being the equivalent one of the “world is flat” people from back in the late 1400s, and do you really want to be that guy? Or girl?

There are times in life where people must come to terms with certain harsh truths. We all have pictures of ourselves that depart from the actual reality of who we are, and if we had the courage to ask our loved ones, and more importantly LISTEN to what they had to say, perhaps our estimations of ourselves would be more accurate. Who knows, perhaps it could lead to an increase in overall self esteem.

This being the 40th post of this site, without actually doing the math (way too much work) I have to admit that at least 35% of the posts on this site have been about poo or ass. My reasons for waxing philosophical at this point will become clear in the following paragraph.

I took a dump today I was so proud of I was sad to flush it down. It came out in stages, like a shuttle going into space and dropping off the heavier, used booster rockets to enable increased thrust at the later stages. As I dismounted I felt like it looked back at me and said in a British accent, “Well done, bucko.”

All relationships must come to an end at some point, and this one was one of the more short lived, for obvious reasons. As I depressed the handle and bid the ol chap farewell, it took the first flush like a veteran boxer getting punched in the jaw by a 5 year old girl. At this point the surly turd’s voice in my mind took on a profoundly different tone, “WHAT NIGGA, THAT ALL U GOT?”

It wasn’t all I had. In the end, it took another 3 flushes to defeat the beast, and while there can be some sadness at losing a potential friend so soon, the circle of life must go on.  A turd is a turd, and it’s rightful place is down the drain, or being spoken about on this site.

Sound it out, then discuss.

I was shocked and amazed to realize that I really do love New York. Like love it for real, like a person might love a pet or a really good hamburger. I mean it’s a bit odd to realize you actually have the emotion to back up a tagline.

Coke (the soda, never tried the powder) never put a smile on me, although I’ve had it with plenty of hamburgers.

McDonalds never made me smile either, made me a bit queasy though.

I’ve never been in good hands with Allstate.

I never saved 15% on my car insurance with Geico.

What’s KFC’s slogan? Whatever it is my penis didn’t get any bigger, and that’s always a disappointment when I eat chicken.

But goddamn I actually love New York, who woulda thought?

When you shower at someone else’s house, and they have bar soap, do you hold it under the water for a bit to melt off the layer they surely had previously rubbed all over themselves? What if you are attracted to them, do you savor the idea of their physical residue?

What if you’re a creepy perv, do you rub the soap on your privates just for shits n giggles while singing My Heart Will Go On by Celine Dion?

I just realized that rhymes.

I was walking around in Port Authority in NYC on 42nd Street and 8th Ave. and I came across this men’s room sign.

Does anyone else see anything inappropriate here?

I was chatting with a friend of mine, and the subject of sexting and sex tapes came up. He didn’t get why it is people actually do these things. Putting aside the obvious conclusion that if it exists someone you don’t want to will see it, and the fact that in this new culture you never know when you may become a celebrity, what really is the point?

Do people get turned on by watching themselves? Are people masturbating while watching themselves have sex rather than actually fucking? This friend who well call “stiffie” (his choice not mine take it up with him) brought something up as a joke, but it may actually be useful if you are in the right relationship.

All the tech for this exists, and is pretty cheap so it’s very doable, the only question is whether someone will have the vision necessary to being this to market.

Sports style video analysis.

Think about it.

Using Xs and Os on freeze frames to call out “bad plays” or comment on something that is good and a person should do more of.

“See if you look at the stroke here you’re spending too much time going straight up the middle, there isn’t enough lateral movement.” “Yes but if you move to the next play, you can see a missed opportunity on the back end, you have to take advantage of all openings.”

You can also make your own bloopers reel – “Oh no! Right in the eye! That’s gonna leave a mark!”

If apple made the product I’m sure it would be simple, like the obvious iFuck. If Microsoft brings it to us we can look forward to Windows Sexy Movie Assistant Premium Version 2010.

It would be cool if there was a Disney version that turned you into cartoons, but that’s another post.

The amount of maintenance required to keep this machine we call the body running is unbelievable. If someone were creating a product today with those kind of maintenance requirements it would be laughed out of the boardroom . . . are things still designed in boardrooms?

Anyfuckingway, even if you go with basic function, just keeping the machine running, no frills, no optimization, and you’re still talking about an ass bogglingly large amount of time. The amount of sleep we require alone is obscene, and dispenses with a third of our day in one stroke. Meeting our financial needs in this crazy world we’ve created for ourselves dispenses with another third. If you include the average commute, you have to add at least another hour to the mix, so now we have 7 hours left.

Now we get to the nitty gritty, and here’s where it gets ugly, and gritty. Let’s start with food. Given an average of three meals a day plus snacks, we probably spend about an hour a day eating and at least another 30 minutes procuring/preparing food. Another hour gets wasted eliminating said food and drink. Clearly these are conservative estimates, especially if you like to cook or spend extended time on your personal throne.

It is, of course impossible to embark on all this eating and pooping without soiling yourself, and your environment. You are then taxed to clean both your body and your domicile. If you add general grooming, cleaning, laundry, toothcare, doing the dishes, etc., well we’ve just lost another hour.

We have just wasted 20.5 hours on basic mandatory functions to keep this wonderful, beautiful machine we call the body up and running smoothly. Oh wait did you want it beautiful? Well then you’d better spend at least 30 minutes a day exercising. With the 3 hours left at your disposal (assuming you don’t have a longer commute, get stuck working overtime, or have irritable bowel syndrome) you can spend that time in doctor’s offices, at the DMV or post office, visiting relatives going to the vet or otherwise taking care of any putative pets, learning new stuff for work, posting on facebook, and even having sex if you have the time and opportunity.

And God help you if you have children . . .