All items in the world have a hidden usefulness equation that determines how effective, but not necessarily how successful that product is in the real world. This equation is a work in progress (I just thought of it 5 minutes ago, but it’s been an idea I’ve had in the back of my mind for years), and it is based on several questions and factors.

1. Does the product work?

This might seem like a silly one to start with, but an unfortunately large amount of products either don’t do what they claim to do, or don’t work at all. That’s a weird thing to me. Is this something that’s thought of from the first concept, or is it a product idea that went horribly wrong and the manufacturers were like “Screw it, sell it anyway.” Either way you now have a piece of crap who’s best possible function in the universe is now to take up space. So they engage their advertising and packaging department, they decide on a a logo, what color to make it, the shape and design of the box, script out print and TV ads for this thing, just a monumental amount of time and money to bring something that’s about as useful as a pet rock to market. Then some jackass like me buys it.

2. If it does work, does it work properly, and are there any elements that make using it difficult?

Ever have something where you feel like you need to make some deal with a higher power right before you use it? Perhaps there’s some kind of ritual that needs to be performed before hand, like blowing on , it, shaking it, jiggling something, or banging your head into a wall. While these products are sometimes capable of performing their advertised task, they make you so mad you do the best you can to avoid it, see my Microsoft post. The worst part about these things is you feel like you don’t want to replace it because you kind of have something that works, and you feel like you’re wasting money on what might be frivolity.

3. How reliable is it? Does it work every time?

Instance of failure is related to #2, and is simply a question of whether it works every time (regardless of your actions) or in every situation.

4. Does it degrade over time, and if so, how fast is the degradation curve?

How long after buying this thing does it start to suck? Everything degrades over time, but the question is will it be a month, a year, or longer? This element needs to be cross referenced with price and expectations. There are many things we expect to degrade or fail quickly, such as many food items or additives, tooth brushes, razors, even toys for our kids or pets. We buy them with the idea they will used up, go stale, or be depleted in fairly short order. Then there are other items we see as solutions to problems, they fill certain needs, and we just expect the acquiring of those items to solve those problems. Some examples might be: I need to print something, I’ll get a printer, i need to call someone I’ll get a phone, I need to shoot something, I’ll get a gun (not sure on the actual usefulness of that last one but it does seem to be very popular, and it would be weird to live in a world when things aren’t being shot regularly). How long does it take before the shiny new ink jet printer you just bought starts printing documents and pictures in a way that makes you wonder whether it’s getting lazy and just not bothering to use blue anymore, or perhaps printing every other line and taking long cigarette breaks in between. Or that new phone you just bought that all of a sudden can’t handle being used for more than an hour before needing its charger like some kind of codependent chargeaholic. And I think we’ve all been there when there is a plain offensive tin can just begging to be shot, or a particularly rude deer, or your wife’s lover. The question here is what is the time frame? In my experience the tipping point for average items seems to be around 6 months. There is also an idea that more expensive items will last longer, and while I’ve found that to be true for the most part, the cost/quality/length of time ratios don’t always add up favorably.

5. How much maintenance does it require?

Do you ever find yourself not using something because you dread the amount of time or cost involved in just keeping the thing running, or replacing whatever filter/cartridge/battery/ you know will  oly last a few uses? Or maybe cleaning it after a use is a nightmare, so you do without. Whatever the story is here, this item generally performs its duties well, but rarely gets to do so because of the tedious aftermath of such a use.

6. Does it have an upside?

On some rare occasions there are those products that go above and beyond what you expect, or just turn out to be strangely indestructible. I recently purchased a cordless phone (I have been going through them at the rate of more than one a year, and not cheap ones) that actually had every single feature I was looking for, and then was surprised to hear it calling out the caller ID when I received a call. I’m a little ashamed at how tickled I am by that, but it would be meaningless if the thing wasn’t a horse, a charge on that phone is good for a couple of days. There are other items that won’t give up the ghost no matter how much of a pounding we give them. these sorts of things are few and far between and will no doubt have their models discontinued shortly because they clearly violate the merchandise laws of the universe, so it might be best to go out and buy another one while you have the chance.

I know I promised an equation here, but get real, this is a blog, and not even a good one, so any cool numerical charts will have to wait until the timing is favorable for me to give this more thought.

Chickenbutt.