Discuss, kimosabes.

Everything comes from somewhere. All science has been proven incorrect, or incomplete over the course of time, but the basic truths people have understood or believed in have persevered throughout the ages. Whether it be in the form of religion, superstition, cultural convention, or passed down from generation to generation in the form of stories and rituals, there is an internal wisdom that has been found, lost, and I suspect will be found again as the digital mind catches up with our analog hearts.

Odd, apparently nonsensical things, like reading tea leaves spinning in a cup of water, or throwing bones or sticks in the air and divining some meaning from how they fall can tell us more than we might suspect. The actual actions themselves are less important than the mind and soul that is focusing on them. Elements of randomness cast from us with certain strong held intentions will tend to be influenced by those intentions, and, if the practitioner can get out of their own way, can provide insight into otherwise intractable problems or questions.

Thousands of years before germ theory, people knew from experience that sticking a finger up their own ass then sticking it in their neighbor’s eye would give them a red, itchy eye. Who’s to say we don’t find a concrete description for why certain things have been classified as bad luck, or a bad omen? We now understand that the hard and fast physical world that governs the majority of our actions is itself governed by a subatomic world that follows a very different set of rules, most of which are not completely (or at all) understood by us at this point in time. What we do know is these subatomic particles can be influenced by energies from various and unlikely sources, one of those being our observation, and own minds and bodies.

Is it possible for an item or place to be “cursed” by repeated violent or painful actions or intentions? Is it possible for a place to be “blessed” by love and healing energies? People throughout history sure seem to think so, and it’s been proven time and again that over a long enough period of time basic wisdom and understanding holds truer than the next new science fad. So don’t be surprised if we start seeing mathematic equations for all the stuff your grandmother used to bug you about.

Organized religion is still crap though, except for all the stuff that isn’t.

There is a similarity here with regard to how all people interact with the world in general. We have a certain amount of general knowledge, and from this we carve out a slice of what we call reality. This reality is not couched in hard fact so much as what we think is true given the information we have at any particular moment, or what sounds good to us at the time. In fact our attachment to our own personal versions of reality is so strong that even when we encounter information that is blatantly contrary to something we believe, many of us will still hold onto those outdated beliefs rather than facing the idea of changing our world view.

If history has proven anything, it’s that the knowledge held by any era is either flawed, incomplete, or entirely inaccurate. Of course due to the egotistic nature of human beings, we’ve always assumed that we were at some pinnacle of knowledge and that most of the major discoveries to be made were behind us. The fact of the matter is that we have barely scratched the surface in terms of unlocking the mystery of this world and the universe as a whole. The wise person will keep their beliefs fluid and not get too attached to any particular world view. The alternative is being the equivalent one of the “world is flat” people from back in the late 1400s, and do you really want to be that guy? Or girl?

This being the 40th post of this site, without actually doing the math (way too much work) I have to admit that at least 35% of the posts on this site have been about poo or ass. My reasons for waxing philosophical at this point will become clear in the following paragraph.

I took a dump today I was so proud of I was sad to flush it down. It came out in stages, like a shuttle going into space and dropping off the heavier, used booster rockets to enable increased thrust at the later stages. As I dismounted I felt like it looked back at me and said in a British accent, “Well done, bucko.”

All relationships must come to an end at some point, and this one was one of the more short lived, for obvious reasons. As I depressed the handle and bid the ol chap farewell, it took the first flush like a veteran boxer getting punched in the jaw by a 5 year old girl. At this point the surly turd’s voice in my mind took on a profoundly different tone, “WHAT NIGGA, THAT ALL U GOT?”

It wasn’t all I had. In the end, it took another 3 flushes to defeat the beast, and while there can be some sadness at losing a potential friend so soon, the circle of life must go on.  A turd is a turd, and it’s rightful place is down the drain, or being spoken about on this site.

You carry the  “Assess-O-Tron” which is a small ipod like device, somewhere on your person. When you first receive this device you will be asked to do the assessment. It is vitally important that you are as honest as possible, because the nature of your answers will directly tie into the rewards you will receive, and even protect you from some of its dangers. You will be asked basic questions, such as “Are you single,” ‘Where do you work?, What do you like the most? What are your dislikes,” etc. These questions will get very specific and delve into some multiple choice answers some people might find to be bizarre or invasive, but the more honest you are, the better the device can work for you.

An example of the device in action is as follows. There is a couple in a happy relationship named Jim and Melissa, who live together. The couple in question are both using the device and it is perfectly calibrated to their likes and dislikes. At this moment, Jim has been particularly attentive to Melissa lately and she is quite pleased with him. Their Assess-O-Trons are synced, and if this keeps up, Jim will soon be eligible for a level 3 reward. Right now on Jim’s list of level 3 options are: Sex all day followed by pizza, followed by more sex, then a movie in bed, then finishing the cold pizza. Additional options are having Melissa cook him his favorite dinner in the world, while wearing a saran wrap mini skirt, or a new big screen tv.

He arrived at level 3 by bypassing some of his level 2 options which included going out for a night with the guys, or taking Melissa to a ball game. If he bypasses his level 3 options he can shoot for the level 4 reward of oral sex while he’s playing video games, or perhaps even the level 5 reward of bringing Melissa’s naughty friend Shelly over for a weekend of debauchery.

It is very tricky to get to any level above 3 since to do so you have to continue generous and loving behavior in the exact manner that resonates with your partner. When she feels the joy of the garbage being taken out without having to be asked, a foot massage late at night, or getting her flowers for no reason at all, that joy will be communicated to your device as it registers on her device, and increases your rating slightly. However when you do things that are mean or selfish, your rating will decrease. This can be somewhat mitigated by a sincere, heartfelt apology, but the rule stands true, it is difficult to get a very high rating. For this reason the rewards escalate as the levels progress. While it is possible to get a level 1 reward every week with enough attention, getting up to level 3 usually takes at least a month. Level 4 would take about 3 months and level 5, might happen twice a year if someone was very dedicated. Results will vary as some people will either be particularly good at reading their partner’s needs, and abysmally poor.

Once a reward is indicated it needs to be delivered as soon as possible and with as much enthusiasm as possible. Lack of enthusiasm will result in the unenthusiastic person losing status in their own device, thus postponing their own rewards. Men should be wary of women who allow their meters to go over the level 5 setting, as marriage is an option on level 7. Remember to offer to go to those level 3 baby showers, and level 2 all day shopping trips, fellas!

So at some point I should probably get to the er, point which is this: Last night I finished my post with what I thought was a totally random although not unique thought. That thought was, of course FUCK TIME WARNER.

I’m pleased to say that through the amazing power of synchronicity (known in some circles as coincidence and others as quantum mechanics), Verizon FIOS will be replacing Time Warner in my life in every way. My hope is that they restrict their service delivery to cable, phone, and internet, and leave out the abuse, theft and damage to my stomach lining.

Viva le FIOS!

And for good measure, fuck Time Warner.

It makes me think maybe not so far . . . or maybe quite far indeed, so much so that I’ve perhaps come full circle into something profoundly, um circular.

1. Does the product work?

This might seem like a silly one to start with, but an unfortunately large amount of products either don’t do what they claim to do, or don’t work at all. That’s a weird thing to me. Is this something that’s thought of from the first concept, or is it a product idea that went horribly wrong and the manufacturers were like “Screw it, sell it anyway.” Either way you now have a piece of crap who’s best possible function in the universe is now to take up space. So they engage their advertising and packaging department, they decide on a a logo, what color to make it, the shape and design of the box, script out print and TV ads for this thing, just a monumental amount of time and money to bring something that’s about as useful as a pet rock to market. Then some jackass like me buys it.

2. If it does work, does it work properly, and are there any elements that make using it difficult?

Ever have something where you feel like you need to make some deal with a higher power right before you use it? Perhaps there’s some kind of ritual that needs to be performed before hand, like blowing on , it, shaking it, jiggling something, or banging your head into a wall. While these products are sometimes capable of performing their advertised task, they make you so mad you do the best you can to avoid it, see my Microsoft post. The worst part about these things is you feel like you don’t want to replace it because you kind of have something that works, and you feel like you’re wasting money on what might be frivolity.

3. How reliable is it? Does it work every time?

Instance of failure is related to #2, and is simply a question of whether it works every time (regardless of your actions) or in every situation.

4. Does it degrade over time, and if so, how fast is the degradation curve?

How long after buying this thing does it start to suck? Everything degrades over time, but the question is will it be a month, a year, or longer? This element needs to be cross referenced with price and expectations. There are many things we expect to degrade or fail quickly, such as many food items or additives, tooth brushes, razors, even toys for our kids or pets. We buy them with the idea they will used up, go stale, or be depleted in fairly short order. Then there are other items we see as solutions to problems, they fill certain needs, and we just expect the acquiring of those items to solve those problems. Some examples might be: I need to print something, I’ll get a printer, i need to call someone I’ll get a phone, I need to shoot something, I’ll get a gun (not sure on the actual usefulness of that last one but it does seem to be very popular, and it would be weird to live in a world when things aren’t being shot regularly). How long does it take before the shiny new ink jet printer you just bought starts printing documents and pictures in a way that makes you wonder whether it’s getting lazy and just not bothering to use blue anymore, or perhaps printing every other line and taking long cigarette breaks in between. Or that new phone you just bought that all of a sudden can’t handle being used for more than an hour before needing its charger like some kind of codependent chargeaholic. And I think we’ve all been there when there is a plain offensive tin can just begging to be shot, or a particularly rude deer, or your wife’s lover. The question here is what is the time frame? In my experience the tipping point for average items seems to be around 6 months. There is also an idea that more expensive items will last longer, and while I’ve found that to be true for the most part, the cost/quality/length of time ratios don’t always add up favorably.

5. How much maintenance does it require?

Do you ever find yourself not using something because you dread the amount of time or cost involved in just keeping the thing running, or replacing whatever filter/cartridge/battery/ you know will  oly last a few uses? Or maybe cleaning it after a use is a nightmare, so you do without. Whatever the story is here, this item generally performs its duties well, but rarely gets to do so because of the tedious aftermath of such a use.

6. Does it have an upside?

On some rare occasions there are those products that go above and beyond what you expect, or just turn out to be strangely indestructible. I recently purchased a cordless phone (I have been going through them at the rate of more than one a year, and not cheap ones) that actually had every single feature I was looking for, and then was surprised to hear it calling out the caller ID when I received a call. I’m a little ashamed at how tickled I am by that, but it would be meaningless if the thing wasn’t a horse, a charge on that phone is good for a couple of days. There are other items that won’t give up the ghost no matter how much of a pounding we give them. these sorts of things are few and far between and will no doubt have their models discontinued shortly because they clearly violate the merchandise laws of the universe, so it might be best to go out and buy another one while you have the chance.

I know I promised an equation here, but get real, this is a blog, and not even a good one, so any cool numerical charts will have to wait until the timing is favorable for me to give this more thought.

Chickenbutt.