requiemofrandomness.com » observations

Beware of filth

leor — Mon, 17 Oct 2011 20:52:57 +0000

As a general rule we have become cleaner as a people. I wonder if anyone has graphed the curve of general cleanliness going back to the days where we lived outside and bathing basically didn’t happen, through when we slept on a bed of hay often with little critters feeding on us at night and we pooed in a bucket in the corner of the room, through the modern day where we have dry cleaning, little robots that clean our floors and antibacterial soap and Purell everywhere. Maybe I should check with that Dyson vacuum guy, I love that guy. I also think things should just work properly, Dyson guy. The thing is, even though we have now all these products to scrub ourselves and everything around us, there are many items that fall through the cracks, and we barely give them any thought. There are just some things people don’t wash very frequently or even at all, for example when was the last time you washed the gloves that keep your hands warm in the winter? People have gloves for years and never wash them one time despite all the things they touch while wearing them and all the things they touch without washing their hands before putting them on. There is plenty of data about bowling balls housing bacteria, but your gloves have everything you’ve touched both on the inside and outside, and by extension everything hundreds of other people, animals, and the germ factories we call children have touched as well. Come to think of it when is the last time you washed that big winter coat, or any jacket you wear from season to season that hasn’t gotten stained or something spilled on it? Could it be that the whole idea of people catching colds from the weather is a fallacy and they’re just getting sick from the filthy clothing they’re putting on to ward off the elements? What about other things people use day in and day out? How recently do people sanitize their keyboard or mouse, or glasses, or remotes and game controllers, or canes, crutches, wheelchairs, telephones, or any other devices that get used daily or several times a week? Personally I’m not overly worried about that kind of stuff, I think my immune system needs practice from time to time, but I do periodically clean my stuff, and I make sure to wash my hands after touching anything of anybody else’s that falls into the heavy use/doesn’t need to get cleaned category.

And cell phones… holy shit cell phones!

I’ve never killed a chicken

leor — Thu, 01 Sep 2011 23:29:58 +0000

But how many of them have died in the name of my dinner?

Everything is stupid in retrospect

leor — Wed, 25 May 2011 17:22:33 +0000

Looking back on a person’s decisions, life choices, romantic partners, etc. often leads to the conclusion most of the things we do are pretty stupid and short sighted. The only infallible exception to this rule applies to whatever we’re currently doing in the moment. We have loads of reasons and justifications as to why we did that thing at work, why we cursed out this person in that situation, or why we took home that other person from the bar, and the totally justified stop at the petting zoo on the way, it was the absinthe right?

Of course eventually life’s current events slide to the past and join the barrage of stupidity that came before, and if you’re very unlucky, it ends up on the internet.

So if most people will agree that they have been prone to dumb or silly choices in the past, why do they seem so confident in their current actions? I’d like to start a new support group called DAA, Dumb Asses Anonymous. Here is a video of the Man I’d like to anoint Patron Saint of DAA.

In the immortal words of St. Moe, “Why I oughta…”

Two women get caught using their body fat to shoplift

leor — Thu, 02 Dec 2010 18:39:53 +0000

Before seeing this video, if you would have asked me if fat people or skinny people made better thieves, I would have surely said skinny. Given that these 2 got caught that might still be true, but you have to be impressed by their ingenuity. It’s not many women that can hide a pair of boots in their breast and belly fat. Watch the cop try to keep a straight face as he describes the crime.

Thanks to L0rdarkness for the tip!

Tongue play

leor — Fri, 19 Nov 2010 22:33:51 +0000

There is an inequity with regards to what is socially acceptable in terms of how we relate to where, when and by whom tongues touch our bodies. We tend to have no problem if any random animal (though we usually prefer cats and dogs) licks us on our hand or other ares of exposed skin as long as that body part is one an individual would typically brandish in public, and it’s not the mouth.

On the other hand, we find it odd for people to lick us on the hands or other random body parts but putting your tongue in a person’s mouth is completely normal, some people being more discriminate than others. Yet the idea of sticking your tongue in an animal’s mouth is completely not socially acceptable even though it’s pretty common knowledge that animal’s mouths are cleaner than ours.

I don’t have a proper ending for this post, so I’ll just leave this video as a warning to the inebriated:

There are 3 kinds of people in the world

leor — Fri, 22 Oct 2010 09:43:24 +0000

People who are born with the instinctive knowledge not to pee into the wind.
People who might have peed into the wind, but were advised against it and listened to that advice.
And people with pee on them.

Empire State of Mind

leor — Tue, 13 Apr 2010 05:00:39 +0000

I was shocked and amazed to realize that I really do love New York. Like love it for real, like a person might love a pet or a really good hamburger. I mean it’s a bit odd to realize you actually have the emotion to back up a tagline.

Coke (the soda, never tried the powder) never put a smile on me, although I’ve had it with plenty of hamburgers.

McDonalds never made me smile either, made me a bit queasy though.

I’ve never been in good hands with Allstate.

I never saved 15% on my car insurance with Geico.

What’s KFC’s slogan? Whatever it is my penis didn’t get any bigger, and that’s always a disappointment when I eat chicken.

But goddamn I actually love New York, who woulda thought?

Melting off that first layer.

leor — Thu, 25 Mar 2010 17:14:26 +0000

When you shower at someone else’s house, and they have bar soap, do you hold it under the water for a bit to melt off the layer they surely had previously rubbed all over themselves? What if you are attracted to them, do you savor the idea of their physical residue?

What if you’re a creepy perv, do you rub the soap on your privates just for shits n giggles while singing My Heart Will Go On by Celine Dion?

I just realized that rhymes.

Strange sign

leor — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 21:52:45 +0000

I was walking around in Port Authority in NYC on 42nd Street and 8th Ave. and I came across this men’s room sign.

Does anyone else see anything inappropriate here?

New Year’s Resolution: Hire someone to pee for me.

leor — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 00:49:43 +0000

The amount of maintenance required to keep this machine we call the body running is unbelievable. If someone were creating a product today with those kind of maintenance requirements it would be laughed out of the boardroom . . . are things still designed in boardrooms?

Anyfuckingway, even if you go with basic function, just keeping the machine running, no frills, no optimization, and you’re still talking about an ass bogglingly large amount of time. The amount of sleep we require alone is obscene, and dispenses with a third of our day in one stroke. Meeting our financial needs in this crazy world we’ve created for ourselves dispenses with another third. If you include the average commute, you have to add at least another hour to the mix, so now we have 7 hours left.

Now we get to the nitty gritty, and here’s where it gets ugly, and gritty. Let’s start with food. Given an average of three meals a day plus snacks, we probably spend about an hour a day eating and at least another 30 minutes procuring/preparing food. Another hour gets wasted eliminating said food and drink. Clearly these are conservative estimates, especially if you like to cook or spend extended time on your personal throne.

It is, of course impossible to embark on all this eating and pooping without soiling yourself, and your environment. You are then taxed to clean both your body and your domicile. If you add general grooming, cleaning, laundry, toothcare, doing the dishes, etc., well we’ve just lost another hour.

We have just wasted 20.5 hours on basic mandatory functions to keep this wonderful, beautiful machine we call the body up and running smoothly. Oh wait did you want it beautiful? Well then you’d better spend at least 30 minutes a day exercising. With the 3 hours left at your disposal (assuming you don’t have a longer commute, get stuck working overtime, or have irritable bowel syndrome) you can spend that time in doctor’s offices, at the DMV or post office, visiting relatives going to the vet or otherwise taking care of any putative pets, learning new stuff for work, posting on facebook, and even having sex if you have the time and opportunity.

And God help you if you have children . . .