Call me old fashioned, but I’d rather die during sex than ask my doctor that question, even if it did result in an uncomfortable but secretly pleasurable prostate exam – who’s with me?!

Is an asshole an actual physical thing, or the space occurring in the context of a particular location? Can an asshole be captured and displayed out of context or is it irrevocably bound to the modality in which it takes place? Is it like a tidal wave? It can be seen as a whole (heh) but to try to capture it in a bucket and show someone elsewhere and it would be received as a meaningless bucket of water.

Getting down to brass tacks, is an asshole a ring of skin and muscle, or simply the space inside of that ring? If it’s just the ring itself that could be hypothetically be removed and displayed in a museum as a piece of modern art, be used as a drinking straw as a tactic to get suspected terrorists to reveal their secrets, or be used to hold a roll of quarters when you run out of those paper thingies from the bank.

However if it’s just the space inside the ring it becomes a different thing altogether, in fact it’s not even a thing at all. It’s an idea. An intangible that only takes place in exactly the correct circumstances even if those circumstances are not particularly rare, valuable or pleasant. It is a delicate thing, one that can disappear in a puff of, well let’s not go there.

Do you have it clear in your head what you mean when you call someone an asshole, or suggest they suffer from assaholism? If you don’t then have a care, you may be talking out of your ass whilst talking about ass, and I for one simply won’t stand for that.

On the other hand, we find it odd for people to lick us on the hands or other random body parts but putting your tongue in a person’s mouth is completely normal, some people being more discriminate than others. Yet the idea of sticking your tongue in an animal’s mouth is completely not socially acceptable even though it’s pretty common knowledge that animal’s mouths are cleaner than ours.

I don’t have a proper ending for this post, so I’ll just leave this video as a warning to the inebriated:

Oh monkey monkey
I shouldn’t have let you go
And now you’re out of sight, yeah
Show me, how you want it to be
Tell me monkey
‘Cause I need to know now what we’ve got
My loneliness is killing me
I must confess, I still believe
When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Give me a sign
Hit me monkey one more time

_________________________________
There’s a reason why
you can look up every night
and every star in heaven’s in it’s place
There’s a reason why
the full moon pulls the tide
and the waves roll into a shore that always waits
And just like them
monkey you belong
monkey you belong
Nothin’s ever been so meant to be
or ever felt so right to me
Every single part of me believes
monkey you belong
oh monkey you belong
There really is no mystery
i think anyone can see
That monkey you belong
with me

What if you’re a creepy perv, do you rub the soap on your privates just for shits n giggles while singing My Heart Will Go On by Celine Dion?

I just realized that rhymes.

But it’s important to get clear on what the question is. Clearly there have been different species that have used various poo from different animals to gestate their eggs or for food but this is not the question at hand.

The question is: has there ever been or could there ever be a circumstance by which poo of any sort could acheive sentience? Well maybe sentience is going too far, so I’ll take any sort of self propelled locomotion and or rudimentary digestive system.

Anything? Gamma radiation? Cosmic rays? Mold spores? Reality TV?

If it ever did happen what would we call the new lifeform?

Does he sashay out of the closet at night when the lights are out in leather assless chaps and a belly shirt and go, “HEYYYYY!? Guess who’s here to eat you!”

Fuck, I think I just scared myself a little . . . I’m off to buy a night light!

While watching tv the other day, I saw an episode of Star Trek called the Trouble with Tribbles. Tribble sounds sufficiently like tribulation for me to conclude that perhaps there is a relationship between the two. Can it be that tribbles cause tribulations? I certainly hope it’s not the other way around. Looking at this picture, I’d hate to go through some tribulations only to have to endure pooping out loads of little fuzzy things afterwards.Besides isn’t that what gerbils are for?

Anyway after being denied twice, I decided to do some actual research. All you devout Christians out there will probably hit me with a big DUH at this point, but I was truely surprised by what I found.  Here is an account of the anticipated events of The Great Tribulation, which by the way will last 7 years.

First 3 1/2 Years:

• 1. The Rapture takes place. (but note that virtually no one interpreted the book of Revelation to suggest a ‘pre-Tribulation Rapture’ until the 19th century, see Rapture for details on the history of this doctrine)

• 2. The Rise of Antichrist and the False Prophet.

• 3. The Third Temple is rebuilt in Jerusalem.

• 4. The Rise of Babylon.

• 5. The Rise of the false one-world religion.

• 6. The appearance of the and the rise of the 144,000 Jewish evangelists.

• 7. The Seven Seal Judgments.

• 8. The Seven Trumpet Judgments.

Midpoint:

• 9. Death and Resurrection of the Two Witnesses.

• 10. Destruction of the One World Church.

• 11. The death and resurrection of Antichrist.

• 12. Antichrist defiles the temple and proclaims himself God.

• 13. The Mark of the Beast begins.

• 14. The Jewish Remnant flees to the desert.

Second 3 1/2 Years:

• 15. 7 Bowl Judgments

• 16. Martyrdom of Jews and Believers

• 17. Babylon is destroyed

• 18. Antichrist summons the world’s armies to Armageddon

• 19. Battle of Armageddon

• 21. Return of Jesus Christ in Glory

• 22. Antichrist and the False Prophet are thrown into the Lake of Fire

• 23. Satan is bound for 1,000 years

• 24. Resurrection of Tribulation martyrs

End of the 7-year Tribulation.

• 25. Christ establishes His 1,000 kingdom.

• 26. Satan is released after 1,000 years.

• 27. Final Battle.

• 28. Satan, Death, and Hell are cast into the Lake of Fire.

• 29. Great White Throne Judgment (Final Judgment).

• 30. New heaven and earth. Eternity begins.

So when people go on about their trials and tribulations, you might want to tell them to stop being so damn dramatic!

How is this possible? Microsoft is a huge, rich company with almost limitless resources, why do they seem incapable of taking advantage of the exponential increase in computing power that’s taken place over the past 10 years? My 2 year old Macbook is so much more responsive than my 1 month old super duper cutting edge PC workstation, it almost makes me want to blog about it. Is this some sinister plot to keep us upgrading, to always feel like the hardware we own is somehow inadequate? I feel like I’m constantly chasing some magical hardware setup that will finally not bog down when I open a new windows explorer window. Does it seriously take 5-10 seconds to figure out what my folders and icons look like in the same folder I open everyday with a system that’s so tweaked you can’t even buy one that fast from a store?

Is Apple so good because they are not mainstream and therefore don’t fall into the Budweiser/McDonald’s trap? Could Microsoft build something truly awesome if they wanted to, or have they gotten so bloated as a company they basically function as efficiently as the George W. Bush administration, thieving and bullying included?

1. Windows Vista – People hate it and actually downgrade to an OS that came out 8 years ago.
2. Office 2007 – A dog and a resource hog.
3. Windows mobile phones – I had one of these, it made me think Naomi Campbell wasn’t trying to hurt her assistant, her Windows mobile phone had just frozen again.
4. Zune – Turd.

Sleek, streamlined companies like Apple and Google are moving in to kick Microsoft’s ass with their simple, clear, responsive, flexible products. Will Microsoft be able to respond, or will they continue to thrash around like a headless chicken with nothing to do other than trip itself up, bump into things and, when it can get the firepower, shoot itself in the foot?